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"Twas The Night of Thanksgiving"

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation...... The thought of a snack became infatuation..... So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes..

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !! I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky.... With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.................... Happy eating to all---

Pass the Cranberries Please!

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump!

May your yams be delicious, May your pies take the prize, May your
Thanksgiving Dinner stay off your thighs!!!

                            HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

GOTTA HAVE 'EM!

What to do when the change of life is done and you still have a box of pads left over... or way too much time on your hands.

Martha Slippers - for all you Martha Stewarts out there, here's how to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi's to make one pair. Two of them get laid out flat for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

Benefits of using these "Pad-About" Slippers:
a. Soft and Hygienic
b. Non-slip grip strips on the soles
c. Built-in deodorant feature - keeps feet smelling fresh
d. No more bending over to mop up spills
e. Disposable, biodegradable and environmentally safe
f . Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags!

Here's a picture of my first pair - I wore them on Christmas day and they were a big hit...

Actually created by Jan Silvers

The parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and threw him in the
freezer.   For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms, looked him calmly in the eye, and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

RED SKELTON'STIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

E-mail from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally  behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."  God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,  because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them  keep going. Do you know what the E-mail said???  Just wondering....I didn't get one either.

Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...

20.  You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.

19.  It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.

18.  I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."

17.  Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?

16.  You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people.  Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.

15.  Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

"Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

WOW

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee .
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

"Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.